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Thoughts for Writers
Posted in The Kitchen Sink on Thu, February 19, 2009
A friend sent this to me. Too good not to post. Enjoy.
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.
- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
- She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
- He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
- The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
- From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
- Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
- The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
- Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
- They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met .
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
- Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
- The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Those are some of THE funniest comments I have ever read!! :D
Absolutely hilarious! It just doesn’t get any funnier than this. :)
I’m glad I’m not the teacher grading these ‘wondrous works of literature’!!!
Dude.. I am not much into reading, but somehow I got to read lots of articles on your blog. Its amazing how interesting it is for me to visit you very often Boat Ladders
Hilarious! Can an updated list be posted weekly?
I thought the book was exceptional and kept my attention throughout. It is my first reading of this author, I am looking forward to reading more of his books
ROFL!!! I have not laughed this hard in a long time. In fact I’m still laughing about that lame duck.
Entirely too funny - just reading those comments made my day “way more gooder”
you rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you rock
Hilarious!
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My 8th grade homeroom students thought I had lost my mind this morning because I was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face. As an English teacher, I read some pretty far-fetched descriptions, but these are absolutely classic. I’m reading them to my students in each class period today, so they understand why my homeroom students are gossiping about my loss of sanity.
That sounds like someting my 13 year old would write....
If my 16 and 17 year old dear sons would write this well, I’d try to get them published. As it stands, I’m the only one who is forced to read their craptacular writing - which is good for all of humanity.